Here I am, once again in the basement of my parents house trying to understand and get a glimpse of what it is that God has planned for us. To be honest, this was a humbling experience for me. I have always been an independent person, wanting to do things my way and I'm sure my husband can vouch for that. I find it interesting that through this God has brought me to acknowledge who I am when I don't rely on Him. I look back on this year, back to Hamburg where it all started. The place I felt so lost both spiritually in who I was as a person and as a wife. I look further from that to where I came out of that, and how God truly showed me that it is not in what I do as a job or an occupation that makes me important. That as a wife, I have to be moldable in His hands. I look back to Ulm and the hardships I encountered there. They were all unique in and of themselves and all brought me to a place of absolute helplessness in and of myself. I look back to how many times I turned my back on God and said to Him, "You are not enough and there is no way you can get me though of this." How selfish I was. I look back to how devastated and angry I was at myself and at my circumstances. I look on from there to where I realized that my circumstantial emotions should not control me, even though pregnancy hormones were weighing down on me fully loaded. I look back to that sweet release when I finally admitted I needed a change of scenery. I look to today and how I will never be happy in and of myself unless that happiness is because I see who I am in Christ. I have thought so many times before...'If only my circumstances were different. If only I could speak the language better. If only I had some good friends....If only if only.
I now realize my "If only's" were what was keeping me from experiencing true happiness in the circumstances that surrounded me. Sure no one wants to be put in a place where they feel uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean God is not teaching us something through all of that. Through my discomfort, or what I though was discomfort I realized that my agenda is not always parallel to that which God has for me. I thought that through all of this I was drowning. That growth was over for me, and this was it. How wrong I was to second guess the God who has brought me through it all.
Self reflection is not something you come by everyday. It's actually something that rears itself to be absolutely necessary to take any further steps in life, and if experienced everyday would not be useful. Through our selfishness and inability to see our wrongs, we come to a point where we are so discusted with ourselves that in order to come to a place of true repentence, we have to first experience what it is like to be selfish. Although you would think self reflection is something we have to do ourselves, it is actually something we can't do ourselves. God has to bring about change in our hearts in order for us to accept the fact that we are selfish and wrong.
It all brings me back to this. How quickly do I sink, and how quickly am I once again rescued by a God who has the world in His hands. What a beautiful thing.
Monday, November 1, 2010
I never thought I would say it out loud, but it came to the point where I had to. I believe that God gives us breaking points. Points in our lives where we just can't take anymore and send forth backed up anxiety from our souls stomach all the way out through our mouth. I recently has one of those breaking points.
Seeing myself in Germany, or living in some European country has been a popular day dream of mine ever since I went to bible school. I had imagined myself living in one of those adorable German houses that is older than America nestled in some village in the Bavarian farmlands. Perhaps vacationing to Italy every so often to get a tan, and return when my tan had faded. I saw myself walking through old villages where kings and queens had once ruled and learning the history of a very old and accomplished country. After I met Chritsoph our dream furthermore expanded to working in or starting a church and being a part of helping Germany see Christ. The family business seemed like a good fit for us to work and be apart of those things with owning our own business as well. Everything was planned and set into play, but as many of you have experienced for yourself not everything always works the way you thought it would.
Sometimes we see ourselves the way the world wants us to see ourselves. Through the worlds eyes, stepping away from something that looks good from the outside is a rather stupid move, especially if success is included in the equation. In our own situation people could look at it this way, but to us it is where God is leading us. That is enough for us.
A couple weeks ago we packed our bags once again to go visit the states. In the very distance back of our heads was one thought. 'Will we ever move to the states?' A couple instances specifically had set off the conversation of this very topic. The fact that I couldn't even talk about life in Germany to other people without nearly having a breakdown said it all to us. Never thinking we would actually make such a drastic decision, we came to a place in our lives that we absolutely had to one way or another. I personally had not yet accepted the fact that I was going to be raising a child in Germany with only a year of experience under my belt. But in the depths of my heart I knew there had to be a decision soon and being in America once again gave me that extra gusto to finally spit out, "I don't want to live in Germany anymore." But actually making the decision I had to leave up to my husband. In my point of view as a wife I could never see myself telling my husband, "I have to go back" when all seemed to be going as planned with business and many other things. A couple months left and we would have to be signing a huge contract that would mean us staying in Germany for the next fifteen or plus years. I was willing to make the decision to stay here, and I know with Gods help He would have seen me through it. But deep down Christoph knew for a while now how I had been feeling. He said to me, "I have a responsibility as a husband to take care of my wife, and if she is not where she wants to be then I am more than willing to give up the business." That said it all. It went from there, praying, talking and finally discovering that God was moving us in a different direction then what we had thought for some time now.
I simply can't explain in my blog or even in words face to face all of the reasons that led us up to this point, but I can tell you one thing. Even thought from the worlds eyes giving up such an opportunity living here in Germany and having our own business is stupidity, we just don't see it that way. After God, our family, meaning Christoph baby and I comes first and foremost. With that God gives us decisions to make, and what a beautiful thing that is. I feel relieved in so many ways and I wouldn't even know where to start explaining that. We are happy with our decision through and through and know that God will continue as He always has to hold us in Hands and take care of our every need.
Our time here in Germany together will always be some of those most precious memories. We did get to live in a house that is older than America. Walked down the old cobble stone streets to go to the butcher, the baker, and the farmer. Traveled to places I have always dreamed of traveling learning about old German or Italian villages. Walked on a frozen seas. Biked along the Donau for hours. Hiked in some of the most beautiful mountains I have laid eyes on where we fed goats and saw baby lambs. Took long day trips to Lake Constance. Made new friends and met with old one's. Had family so close, and got to know and love them more everyday. Learned to be married, or at least started to learn. Made a baby. Freaked out for awhile.
So here we are. I leave in a week or so to go back to the states, and Christoph follows three weeks later. Once again we sit on packed boxes, not really knowing what to do next but we are totally fine with that.
Away we go.