Monday, November 1, 2010

Away we go


I never thought I would say it out loud, but it came to the point where I had to. I believe that God gives us breaking points. Points in our lives where we just can't take anymore and send forth backed up anxiety from our souls stomach all the way out through our mouth. I recently has one of those breaking points.

Seeing myself in Germany, or living in some European country has been a popular day dream of mine ever since I went to bible school. I had imagined myself living in one of those adorable German houses that is older than America nestled in some village in the Bavarian farmlands. Perhaps vacationing to Italy every so often to get a tan, and return when my tan had faded. I saw myself walking through old villages where kings and queens had once ruled and learning the history of a very old and accomplished country. After I met Chritsoph our dream furthermore expanded to working in or starting a church and being a part of helping Germany see Christ. The family business seemed like a good fit for us to work and be apart of those things with owning our own business as well. Everything was planned and set into play, but as many of you have experienced for yourself not everything always works the way you thought it would.

Sometimes we see ourselves the way the world wants us to see ourselves. Through the worlds eyes, stepping away from something that looks good from the outside is a rather stupid move, especially if success is included in the equation. In our own situation people could look at it this way, but to us it is where God is leading us. That is enough for us.

A couple weeks ago we packed our bags once again to go visit the states. In the very distance back of our heads was one thought. 'Will we ever move to the states?' A couple instances specifically had set off the conversation of this very topic. The fact that I couldn't even talk about life in Germany to other people without nearly having a breakdown said it all to us. Never thinking we would actually make such a drastic decision, we came to a place in our lives that we absolutely had to one way or another. I personally had not yet accepted the fact that I was going to be raising a child in Germany with only a year of experience under my belt. But in the depths of my heart I knew there had to be a decision soon and being in America once again gave me that extra gusto to finally spit out, "I don't want to live in Germany anymore." But actually making the decision I had to leave up to my husband. In my point of view as a wife I could never see myself telling my husband, "I have to go back" when all seemed to be going as planned with business and many other things. A couple months left and we would have to be signing a huge contract that would mean us staying in Germany for the next fifteen or plus years. I was willing to make the decision to stay here, and I know with Gods help He would have seen me through it. But deep down Christoph knew for a while now how I had been feeling. He said to me, "I have a responsibility as a husband to take care of my wife, and if she is not where she wants to be then I am more than willing to give up the business." That said it all. It went from there, praying, talking and finally discovering that God was moving us in a different direction then what we had thought for some time now.

I simply can't explain in my blog or even in words face to face all of the reasons that led us up to this point, but I can tell you one thing. Even thought from the worlds eyes giving up such an opportunity living here in Germany and having our own business is stupidity, we just don't see it that way. After God, our family, meaning Christoph baby and I comes first and foremost. With that God gives us decisions to make, and what a beautiful thing that is. I feel relieved in so many ways and I wouldn't even know where to start explaining that. We are happy with our decision through and through and know that God will continue as He always has to hold us in Hands and take care of our every need.

Our time here in Germany together will always be some of those most precious memories. We did get to live in a house that is older than America. Walked down the old cobble stone streets to go to the butcher, the baker, and the farmer. Traveled to places I have always dreamed of traveling learning about old German or Italian villages. Walked on a frozen seas. Biked along the Donau for hours. Hiked in some of the most beautiful mountains I have laid eyes on where we fed goats and saw baby lambs. Took long day trips to Lake Constance. Made new friends and met with old one's. Had family so close, and got to know and love them more everyday. Learned to be married, or at least started to learn. Made a baby. Freaked out for awhile.

So here we are. I leave in a week or so to go back to the states, and Christoph follows three weeks later. Once again we sit on packed boxes, not really knowing what to do next but we are totally fine with that.

Away we go.

2 comments:

Phil said...

Wow... I entirely understand your feelings, and you have portrayed them so vivedly! More so than I would ever be able to do...

It is sad, as I saw your advert on Toytown, and then happened to stumble upon your blog on your profile, and was going to ask if you wished to meet up with a group of young americans and Austalians that I have recently been meeting with; but I suspect that it is now a lost cause :)

I am a young Brit living in Ulm, and can totally connect with what you say throughout this Blog! I have only been here for 6 months, after being relocation with work, but it already feels like an eternity... Sometimes I simply wish that life were simple and that I could just pack up and leave back to the UK, and admittedly I could, but there is just something within me that refuses to... I don't know whether it is stubborness or a fear of "failing" in the eyes of my friends, family and employer that forces me to stay, but I cannot bring myself to make such a decision...

I honestly wish you all the happiness with both your husband and your baby :)

Please take care and have a safe journey!

Best Wishes,
Phil

Erik and Sarah said...

Love this picture of you two!!!