Here I am, once again in the basement of my parents house trying to understand and get a glimpse of what it is that God has planned for us. To be honest, this was a humbling experience for me. I have always been an independent person, wanting to do things my way and I'm sure my husband can vouch for that. I find it interesting that through this God has brought me to acknowledge who I am when I don't rely on Him. I look back on this year, back to Hamburg where it all started. The place I felt so lost both spiritually in who I was as a person and as a wife. I look further from that to where I came out of that, and how God truly showed me that it is not in what I do as a job or an occupation that makes me important. That as a wife, I have to be moldable in His hands. I look back to Ulm and the hardships I encountered there. They were all unique in and of themselves and all brought me to a place of absolute helplessness in and of myself. I look back to how many times I turned my back on God and said to Him, "You are not enough and there is no way you can get me though of this." How selfish I was. I look back to how devastated and angry I was at myself and at my circumstances. I look on from there to where I realized that my circumstantial emotions should not control me, even though pregnancy hormones were weighing down on me fully loaded. I look back to that sweet release when I finally admitted I needed a change of scenery. I look to today and how I will never be happy in and of myself unless that happiness is because I see who I am in Christ. I have thought so many times before...'If only my circumstances were different. If only I could speak the language better. If only I had some good friends....If only if only.
I now realize my "If only's" were what was keeping me from experiencing true happiness in the circumstances that surrounded me. Sure no one wants to be put in a place where they feel uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean God is not teaching us something through all of that. Through my discomfort, or what I though was discomfort I realized that my agenda is not always parallel to that which God has for me. I thought that through all of this I was drowning. That growth was over for me, and this was it. How wrong I was to second guess the God who has brought me through it all.
Self reflection is not something you come by everyday. It's actually something that rears itself to be absolutely necessary to take any further steps in life, and if experienced everyday would not be useful. Through our selfishness and inability to see our wrongs, we come to a point where we are so discusted with ourselves that in order to come to a place of true repentence, we have to first experience what it is like to be selfish. Although you would think self reflection is something we have to do ourselves, it is actually something we can't do ourselves. God has to bring about change in our hearts in order for us to accept the fact that we are selfish and wrong.
It all brings me back to this. How quickly do I sink, and how quickly am I once again rescued by a God who has the world in His hands. What a beautiful thing.