Have you ever felt you understood something with your head, but not your heart? It's as though many have shared it in different ways, and you have heard it so much it now has become the reality of other people's words in your head, instead of the actually acceptance in your heart.
Christoph asked me something the other day when he got home from work that devastated me. "How come you always seem so sad?"
First of all, I have a wonderful husband who in retrospect could have been angry or upset that I am always sad, but instead asked me lovingly how he can help and why is it that I am sad. Second, I did not realize the impact my sadness could make on someone else.
Funny thing is, I had no idea why I was sad other than the obvious. Different expectations I had were not met. I was feeling sorry for myself upon not having any friends here. I was missing my family. The list could go on and on really.But this goes deeper, as usually everything does. Perpetual bliss, I have realized is a thing of a past that never existed apart from God.
You see, in order for someone like me to learn, I have to first understand I cannot do it on my own. Being in a world that is practically fashioned from achieving things on your own, it is becoming less and less of a realization that dependence on anything other than yourself is false truth. Christoph just pointed out this morning, most people can't even share their last name upon getting married anymore. Not that this is wrong, only that it shows our independence as a person. I don't believe independence is wrong, at all, only by means of taking it to extremes does it have ground to be destructive to soul and spirit. My point here is that the underlying problem has to do with not only our need for physical independence, but also spiritual.
From the fall of man, we have gradually shifted into an even more independent generation than sometimes I would like to realize. I will go further to point out that this has personally effected my life in more ways than one, negatively promising that in my self sufficiency I can accomplish life on my own.
On the other hand, I don't think we all know how naive we are thinking we are independent in any situation. I can't even even get up in the morning without being dependent on the person who invented alarms, on the people who harvested and roasted my coffee beans, on whoever it was that made my peanut butter. Sorry to say it, but the Quakers show us all up on independence.
Believing we are all independently living, the most distressing is in thinking we are independent of the One who created us.
Take for example a child. Near our apartment building there is a little park accompanied daily by children who probably wake up in the morning just so they can go play on the swings. To them, this is the biggest part of their day. It's cold outside, and them being helpless on what to do when it comes to keeping warm, their parents layer them from top to bottom so they can barely move anymore. These stuffed waddling sausages are now prepared to run around and enjoy life at the playground, not realizing had their parents not bundled them up, they would probably freeze to death. Children are absolutely helpless upon being born and then slowly progress into individuals that can enjoy their own lives without the help of anyone else. It is in the nature of man to find his or her own way.
In my sadness I am realizing that it is derived from something much deeper. It is in myself I am fighting the spiritual battle. Today I realized that once again as much as I have heard from others what to do in this situation, my head is willing but my heart is not. I am doing it on my own.
So how do we get to a place of absolute surrender and reliance on God? By realizing that we do not have control. That we need to look at Christ as already have accomplished what it is we need to do. That no matter if we let ourselves down or whoever lets us down, we know that we have Christ. He is now the very essence of glory and honor at the throne of God, making it possible for us to be in a relationship with God. To be obedient in doing this goes against our fleshly nature as man, and causes friction in our hearts. Much like I have right now. I find it ironic that I can speak about this and believe it to be true, yet my feelings do not always follow. My will does not always comply. I am human. And I am once again brought to amazement that it is not what I can do to make myself happy, but only the Lord.
When we don't realize this, I believe bitterness and resentment then find their way into your independent mind, and set up camp until the next breakdown. My advice to myself and others who are going through the same thing...let go and let God, don't let resentful harboring thoughts set up dock. Pray, and give it all up to the One who has done it all. Much easier said than done.
Now let me go yell at my husband for always leaving the milk out. Just kidding. But really, he always does that.
To those who are reading this that do not believe in God, may read these words as nomadic rubbish. It is simply what I believe.
I am surprised on how philosophical I have been lately.
On a different note, I believe that when a woman feels more naked than without lipstick is when she is without mascara. Especially me because I don't wear much lipstick. When I don't wear mascara I feel like a 12 year old boy, and I just cannot go in public without it. Hence my problem today. Our sink in our bathroom has been leaking, and so I of coarse independently tried to fix it. This is bad when this happens because me fixing things turns into me breaking it even more because I believe it so true in my head that this is the problem. I broke it more of coarse so Christoph took out the drain plug, leaving any valuable things at a high risk for dropping down into the evil abyss of slimy drain sludge. My ring tried to jump in, but Christoph saved it just in time before suicide. There must be a couple bobby pins down there, eyeliner caps, and yes of coarse my mascara. Christoph laughed at me when I asked him to get it out. Seeing that his gag reflex is at a pitiful low it was probably not a good idea anyways. We would be cleaning up vomit as well as drain sludge. We were left with no choice, we had to leave it in there forever. I later on dared to walk to the store without any mascara and found myself staring at the ground the entire way. It seems silly that something so small could make you feel so much more beautiful.
I once tried to go a whole week without wearing any makeup at all. Turns out people don't even care. Imagine that.