Holding onto things in the past takes its toll when you least expect it. Anxiety has been the only thing on my mind the past couple weeks, rearing its ugly head and making me physically and emotionally done. Deep down I knew what I was holding onto, but I wasn't willing to let it go. One word changed everything. Superstition. I didn't realize I was so superstitious until I looked at the life of Christ and how he handled the weight of the world. He was never superstitious, but always trusting. It came to be that I couldn't even pray without thinking that I was doing it wrong. That maybe God didn't quite understand what I was going through. Realizing that this was my problem and letting go was the next step, I found myself tucked into the sweet embrace of my Creator. Depression and anxiety not only runs in my family, it is also a concern for most of the world and still going up. I know what depression feels like and it is magnified when you are alone most days. It's like walking through a deep sludge, having your head poking out seeing the lies and worries you have float by on alligators. To extend love to others was never my responsibility, but God through me. Taking everything upon my own shoulders I couldn't even love others.
Finding my way to the source, I now look back and realize that as it might have been the most difficult experience I have ever had, it was all so simple. From where I was looking a terrifying maze of impossibilities stood before me, but when I got out I realized I should have just walked straight to find the exit. My eyes are small, but God sees all before me. So to trust Him is all I want to know, and all I need to know.
I am now free to extend the love I am so graciously given and always will be. I was the only one standing in my way.
During this you think that it's everyone else's problem most days. Poor Christoph was a prime target for me. Of coarse it's the one's we love the most.
I think it's safe to say now, without superstition that I can live my life now trusting in God. No better place to be.
On a different subject. We are still here in Hamburg awaiting the conformation of a biulding to buy for the new branch of the Gruener company. I am terrified because this is nothing I have ever done before, but I am comforted in the fact that selling kitchens is similar to cutting someone's hair. You have to get to know the client, their likes, dislikes, personality, opinion, character, everything really before you can make an assesment. You have to get inside the head of the client to know what their desires are and what makes them feel comfortable and safe, yet balance it with new creativity and innovative design. Ok so if I had a hair client and they wanted a mullet, I would want to make them feel comfortable but also give my professional opinion without insult. What's the balance there? Give many different alternatives, but also let the client think it is their idea. You're safe relieving yourself of a pushed opinion, or hurting their feelings. But you have to realize also that some people are just comfortable with their mullets, so in order to keep their trust you have to give them what they want. So metaphorically I am talking about kitchens here as well. With selling a kitchen it is exactly the same. So all in all what I really need to learn is the language better so that I can communicate that what they really want is a sleek bob, and not a hillbilly mullet. Luckily Bulthaup does not really provide an equivalent kitchen to that of a mullet.
I would like to congratulate myself for not running into any awkward situations lately. I think I am becoming more invisible.
My brother in law Benni so nicely recommended me for a stylist position on the set of commercial his company was shooting. I guess that I stepped over a couple of boundries by sitting in the directors, clients, and advertiser's group of chairs behind the screen, chatting it up with them. But it turns out they didn't mind at all and I kept them entertained. I was just explosively social for not getting out much, and decided I was going to make friends even if they were semi known, but not really celebrities. The actor that I did the makeup for and trimmed his beard a little bit was in a movie called, "The Educators" A famous German film. So that was pretty cool. He only played like a 1 minute scene though. Still....